I am writing this letter to try to explain myself. I’m not sure if I can ever make up for what I did to you but believe me, it haunts me everyday. I am not perfect nor do I pretend to be, but what I do know is, if I had the chance to do everything over again, I would have hugged you instead of hurting you.
See, when I saw you I saw a light so bright that I couldn’t ignore. You, in all your brilliance made me want to be as close to you as possible. I wanted to know you. I wanted to be with you. I wanted all of these things and I had no clue how to get them and I didn’t think I deserved them. I lashed out at you because I thought you would never see me the way I see you. I hurt you because I was hurting. I wanted to show you love but I don’t know how to give that. Love was never given to me. Not in a good way anyway. Sometimes I feel evil knowing that I did what I did to you. I hated when it was done to me and then I turned around and did the same thing.
Sometimes I feel like hell would be too good for me, but then again I wish for hell because the pain of the fire would be a constant reminder of the pain I live with everyday knowing how much I hurt you. I tried to be the best I could but life didn’t allow it. I could offer a thousands reasons why I did what I did. I could blame the world or tell you that you deserved it but really, you didn’t. You didn’t deserve what I did to you. If you could see the truth of my heart you would see that I did love you. I know it’s a crazy and twisted thing to say because I didn’t show it properly but I don’t know how. I still don’t.
What happened had nothing to do with you. You did nothing wrong. I know my words were like lashes to you. Please let it go. They meant nothing. Everything I said was really how I felt about myself. I wanted you to feel what I was feeling. I wanted you to be like me because I know I could never be like you. I don’t want to be alone in this pain. I tried to drag you with me.
If I could give you what you deserve you would be clothed in the finest garments and adorned with jewelry and you would always have the biggest piece of cake. You were so wonderful to me but I didn’t handle you with care. I didn’t know what to do with you. Your light shines so brightly that it was hard for me to even look at you. Why didn’t I have a chance to shine like you? Why were you so lucky?
I am sorry. I am sorry for what I did to you. I am sorry that I made you cry. I am sorry that I took away your trust. Please don’t blame everyone for what I did to you. I’m all messed up. I didn’t get it right. It doesn’t mean that there isn’t someone else who can love you the way you deserve to be loved.
I am sorry.I am so sorry.
Please forgive me and move forward. Don’t let my stupidity hold you back from shining the way you were meant to shine. You are such perfection to me. Don’t let me take that away from you. I don’t deserve that much power in your life. I am nothing. I mean nothing. I am insignificant.
I am sorry.Please forgive me… and forget me because I’ll vanish if you do and I will never reappear again.
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