The Real Cause of Emotional Pain and How to End It

I don’t know about you, but I’ve noticed that life is full of experiences, a vast variety of them. Some are sunshine – light, fuzzy and warm ­­– and some are frosty, painful and cold. Life is contrast ─ a continuous stream of events. Life just is.

And for years, I had a problem with that. For some reason, I’ve always assumed that I am only meant to experience the lightness and joy of living, as if the world consists of only the vacationland of Hawaii and not the dark and gloomy, stormy nights of Alaska.

Well, good luck with that.

Growing up in abusive, anti-Semitic, Soviet Russia, in a society of harshness, rudeness, verbal, emotional and belt-beating parental abuse, in time I accumulated a truckload of anger, resentment, timidity, frustration and blame, which I’ve been carrying in my heart while feeling it splitting apart.

Trapped in the cycle of trying to solve my problems “out there,” outside of myself, condemning others, and feeling like a helpless victim in the coarse hands of life’s circumstances, nothing seemed to work to alleviate my pain. And yet, through it all, what I’ve come to discover is that emotional pain is a private and lonely battle that takes place somewhere on the invisible battlefield of the psyche. Not like a wrenching cough with slimy phlegm or a broken leg in a white cast, propped up on a pillow and covered by ‘get well soon’ graffiti. No, this kind of pain is brutal, ripping you apart from inside and without any estimated date for when the suffering will end.

Taking a time out…breathing, relaxing, I’m telling you: It’s going to end good. Better then ever, I promise.

So… If life is meant to be a duality, and we are meant to experience trauma, sorrow and pain, does that mean we have to suck it up and endure?

No! Not at all.

As human beings, we can’t always control what happens to us in our live. But, as human beings, we are in complete control of what we say about what happens to us mentally. And this is crucial. Because those mental statements we make about what’s happening to us are creating the way we feel. Thoughts create feelings. And the more we feel a certain way (angry, sad, depressed), the more we keep on feeling that same “certain way” – even angrier, gloomier, and sadder. Thus, this state of mind becomes a habitual state of being – the “frame” that keeps us locked up in the dim and moldy emotional prison of our past. And we don’t feel good. And nothing will change around us until we change, or reframe, our mental statements – those conclusions we’ve attached to the events in our lives. This process of mental reframing is the true key to freedom, and to a bright future.

Do you realize that, the darker the past, the brighter the future? Just like after the wildest storm, the most spectacular rainbow emerges. It always does.

Now, from my personal experience, and from working with my clients, here are the most common trouble-making-statements – the real cause of pain that we upload into our inner mental software when something bad happens (betrayal, abuse, illness, bankruptcy): “Something is wrong,” “I am bad person,” “It’s not fair,” “I don’t know what to do,” “No one cares,” “I am a helpless victim,” “I can’t have what I want,” “I don’t deserve to be happy,” “I am worthless… weak and pathetic; shame on me.”

I want you to know that every single person alive has similar statements running through their mind, without even realizing it. Of course, their life circumstances may be totally different from yours, but so what? Everyone struggles with something — part of life’s process and experience.

So let’s reframe your personal ‘something,’ because you’re ready to close the old chapter of your book of life. It has served its purpose of showing you what you do not want and polished your clarity so you know what you dowant instead: to live a life of dignity, respect, value, freedom and choice. So, hooray for the new chapter! Follow me.

Imagine you’re standing in a classroom before the white board, and all those old statements are written on it. Now, take a large, wet sponge and start cleansing the old programing from the board, wiping it all away from your mind, your heart, and from your life.

Good! Yes, reframing is that fast and simple: it’s a decision that you are no longer willing to tolerate any unnecessary suffering, and that whatever you’re thinking and projecting onto your life is up to you!

Now, in your mind’s eye, take a permanent marker and, choosing one color or different colors for each new statement, begin writing. Go on, tell the truth about who you really are. I’m here, right next to you, and I know how good, worthy and deserving you really are. Here it comes:

“I am no longer a child, helpless and confused, controlled by grown-ups.” “I am an adult. Everything I do is right for me; there are no mistakes, only experiences, and I am learning, growing and expanding.” “I am free to choose for myself, and this is what I’m choosing:

I’m smart, capable and ambitious; there are lots of good things about me.

I am deserving, valuable and important; I have many unique traits and talents.

I am different, and I appreciate my rareness; I’m like a diamond.

I have options and choices, and I’m making decisions that make me feel good.

I’m learning to be proud of myself; every day is brighter and better.

I am me! Powerful, capable, worthy and free.”

Feel the charge of these statements, as they fill you up from inside out, washing out the old, charging your mind and your cell tissue with the new; brightening your world, planting seeds of happiness, joy and excitement in the soil of your life.

And in time, in fact, very soon now, all the old scars will become painless memories and you’ll appreciate those life experiences that have given you strength, wisdom, clarity and power to reach out and indulge fully in the sweet nectar of freedom. And you’ll bathe in the light of happiness and joy, something that you innately inherited and intended for this lifetime.