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The other day I received an email from a woman who wanted to meet and chat with me because she saw that I had created a few pretty amazing projects. Because of my extreme anxiety about meeting and interacting with new people I quickly responded with a paragraph about why she probably wouldn’t want to meet with me and how I don’t really get along well with others because no one understand who I am and how I am.

As I read over the paragraph I was actually startled as I realized that I was setting myself up to be the person I didn’t want to be. I don’t like that I am the type of person that hates interacting with people. I don’t like that I always feel like no one understands me. Even if those things are true, I find myself announcing them before they even happen, which sometimes makes them happen. After I make the announcement, people usually stay far away from me, which is what I want, because I have pushed myself to believe that no one would ever understand or appreciate me.

In a way, I am creating my own reality by professing it before it happens and I am causing people to view me in a way that I do not wish to be viewed by painting myself in that way. If I ever want this cycle to stop I need to stop describing myself as anxious, weird and unloveable.

What about you?

When you meet people and they ask you about yourself do you immediately go into confession mode about your abusive past hoping that they will either have a solution for you or they will accept you for who you are? The truth is, no one has a solution for you, you have to make the choice to leave and stay away for yourself- and- you are who you SAY you are.

If every time you meet a person you describe yourself as a former abuse victim that means you are glorifying that situation in your life. Of all of the things that you have seen and done, is that the moment you want to stand out? Is that what you want to be remembered by?  You are choosing to define your life by the stories you share with others about who you are. A person who meets you and doesn’t know you will never view you as a victim if you do not tell them that you were.

Why should they know about that anyway? If you are out of that situation, you can be glad that you are and now you can define yourself by the success that you are making of your life.


Instead of going into the past to try to paint yourself as a victim or even worse as an overcomer, just paint yourself as a person who is moving ahead in life, someone who has had some crazy things happen in the past but is more focused on creating a great future.

If you weren’t an abuse victim, who would you be?

It’s cool to be an activist and share your story of abuse to encourage women to move past theirs but do not allow that traumatic time to be the ONLY story you have to share. If you have moved on from it, leave it behind you, if you can. Create a new favorite memory to share with others.

Who do you want to be?

What do you want to be known for?

Share that story instead. If you recognize a person who is in an abusive situation, quietly share your story with her and encourage her to move on like you did. Outside of person to person sharing for the sake of helping another woman heal, lay the story to rest.

You don’t need any guidance. You don’t need anyone to help you. You are much stronger than you think. You can become the story you REALLY want to tell about your life. Just start living it and then talk about it.

You can do it.


How do you want people to see you? The first thing you say is you ar e avictim. Looking for sympathy.